New Jersey Blows

Why is cell phone use while driving banned in NJ (among several other states)? How is holding a cellphone any less safe than using a hands-free device to engage in a telephone conversation? Most people with half a brain can safely talk on a cellphone while driving a car, then again I guess most people in NJ don’t have half a brain.

You can’t use a cell phone while driving, yet it’s perfectly legal to smoke a cigarette. Now you have a burning stick of tobacco with a dirty ash and burning ember to worry about. You either ash outside your window (which is illegal, yet most people do anyway) or you have to take your eyes off the road and find the ash tray.

Speaking of cigarettes, they’re rather expensive in NJ.

1. You don’t think of fruit when people mention “The Oranges.”
2. You know that it’s called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.
3. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.
4. You’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
5. You’ve eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 A.M.
6. You know that the state isn’t one big oil refinery.
7. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
8. You know what a “jug handle” is.
9. You know that WaWa is a convenience store.
10. You know that the state isn’t all farmland.
11. You know that there are no “beaches” in New Jersey–there’s the shore–and you don’t go “to the shore,” you go “down the shore.” And when you are there, you’re not “at the shore”; you are “down the shore.”
12. You know how to properly negotiate a circle.
13. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.
14. You know that this is the only “New” state that doesn’t require “New” to identify it (try . . Mexico . . . York … Hampshire– doesn’t work, does it?).
15. You know that a “White Castle” is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
16. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.
17. You don’t think “What exit?” is very funny.
18. You know that people from the 609 area code are “a little different.”
19. Yes they are!
20. You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton–that’s for out-of-staters.
21. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
22. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
23. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
24. Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.
25. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.
26. You’ve gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.
27. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.
28. You weren’t raised in New Jersey–you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
29. You don’t consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.
30. You remember the stores Korvette’s, Two Guys, Rickel’s, Channel, Bamberger’s and Orbach’s.
31. You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.
32. You’ve had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.
33. Trying to find a legal place to ride an ORV is a nightmare.
34. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
35. You’ve NEVER, NEVER NEVER, EVER pumped your own gas.

1. New Jersey is a peninsula.
2. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire Eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida.
3. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.
4. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.
5. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba.
6. New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US.
7. New Jersey has the highest cost of living.
8. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance.
9. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation.
10. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the “Diner Capital of the World.”
11. New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club (no, not Spam): Taylor Ham or Pork Roll.
12. Home to the less mysterious but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions.
13. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius.
14. New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.
15. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.
16. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation’s most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May.
17. New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.
18. New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.
19. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.
20. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought it was New England).
21. Here’s to New Jersey - the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken.
22. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940.
23. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first.
24. New Jersey is home to one of the nation’s busiest airports: Newark Liberty International.
25. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington.
26. The light bulb, phonograph (record player to the CD generation), and motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ, laboratory.
27. The first phonograph records were made in Camden,NJ.
28. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs.
29. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ.
30. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ.
31. New Jersey was home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City.
32. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on its playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City.
33. Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world, not to mention salt water taffy.
34. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.
35. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains.
36. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!)
37. New Jersey had the first medical center, in Jersey City.
38. The Pulaski Skyway, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway.
39. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson (Holland Tunnel).
40. The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra.
41. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889 (Rutgers College played Princeton).
42. The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they’re all gone now!).
43. New Jersey is home to both of NEW YORK’S pro football teams!
44. The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ.
45. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong.
46. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnelly, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gordon McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey, Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy’s), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Kelly Ripa, and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra and “Uncle Floyd” Vivino.
47. Bob Meade adds: The Great Falls in Paterson, on the Passaic River, is the second highest waterfall on the East Coast of the US.

On a typical day driving around or through NJ, I lose count of how many cars with Florida or North Carolina registrations. What’s the deal?

Are these people defrauding the state by registering their vehicle in FL or NC to avoid paying higher registration fees or higher insurance premiums? According to most if not all insurance companies, if you’re garaging your vehicle at a different location and they’re not informed, that may be fraud. No, going to FL once a year to get your car inspected doesn’t count as being permanently garaged.

If you live in NJ and spend most of your time in NJ, register your car in NJ.

I happened to notice today like I do every day some douchebag driving an Audi S8 with both front and rear foglights on in clear weather. I have nothing against Audis (hell I used to own an A4 myself), but at least read your owners manual and learn what rear foglights are, and learn how to control them.

Most European sedans have foglights. There is a separate switch for front and rear foglights. Yes, I said REAR foglight(s). These are the lights that are as bright as brake lights that are always on, at least whenever the switch for them is turned on. About a decade ago it was only one single light on the drivers side, but now most European cars in the USA have them on both sides. I’m assuming that this is so they appear symmetric for the asshole who drives with them on in clear weather.

These rear foglights really aren’t necessary when the weather is clear. Front foglights aren’t needed either, but the extremely bright rear foglights that look like someone is riding their brakes can be very distracting to the other asshole who is going 90MPH and can’t see when he’s weaving through traffic to pass.

According to an article on CNN, New Jersey lawmakers are voting to abolish the death penalty.

New Jersey lawmakers have voted to abolish the death penalty in the state, sending the governor a bill he has already said he will sign. The measure will make New Jersey the first state in more than 40 years to outlaw capital punishment.

The bill will make life in prison the most severe penalty for convicted murderers in the state, including the eight men currently on the state’s death row. New Jersey has not put anyone to death since 1963, according to the Death Penalty Information Center.

This makes perfect sense, because obviously NJ is one of the safest states to live in with a low crime rate.

All sarcasm aside, over the past few years cities in NJ have repeatedly earned high crime-ridden city rankings. Crime does happen in New Jersey, quite often in fact.

Then again, even with the death penalty law, NJ hasn’t put anyone to death since 1963.

I was driving home the other night while there was about a one inch dusting of snow on the ground. It wasn’t anything serious,  but that little dusting along with the snow that came down during the day and melted, and the 20 degree temperatures were enough to make the roads ever so slightly slick that a little extra caution was needed to be safe.

I was driving on a somewhat rural two lane road and slowed for the traffic light that just turned red. The minivan behind me aggressively accelerated , passed me (going into the other lane) and blew through the red light. This type of shit shouldn’t be done when the roads are dry, let alone when they are covered with snow and ice. The lives of the poor kids inside that minivan shouldn’t be endangered by their asshole parents who don’t know how to drive safely.

On that same drive home, I noticed all the SUVs in the opposite direction flying down the road as if they were on an autocross track. 4WD does not mean you can drive fast in the snow. You get more traction to start off or keep moving on hills, but you can’t go fast if you don’t have traction no matter how many wheels are pulling you. Just a few moments later, this little theory of mine was proven true when I saw an Acura MDX that slid off the road and into someone’s fence.

Why is it that nearly every manhole for access to utilities/pipes underground is placed directly in the path of your left wheels? If the manholes were shifted two feet to the right (or the if the roads were shifted two feet to the left), that would enable cars to go over the manholes without any wheels hitting them.

On my commute to work on a somewhat rural road, there are manholes every 30 yards or so, directly in the path of my left wheels. It might not be so bad if they were flush with the road surface, but all of those manholes are sunken several inches below the road surface so when you hit them, your teeth and brain get shaken loose.

Perhaps it’s a conspiracy with the road construction engineers and the alignment shops. Prior to living in New Jersey I had to get my truck aligned every two years or so. In New Jersey, it needs to be done every six months or sooner.

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