New Jersey Blows

1. You don’t think of fruit when people mention “The Oranges.”
2. You know that it’s called Great Adventure, not Six Flags.
3. A good, quick breakfast is a hard roll with butter.
4. You’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
5. You’ve eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 A.M.
6. You know that the state isn’t one big oil refinery.
7. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know the town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
8. You know what a “jug handle” is.
9. You know that WaWa is a convenience store.
10. You know that the state isn’t all farmland.
11. You know that there are no “beaches” in New Jersey–there’s the shore–and you don’t go “to the shore,” you go “down the shore.” And when you are there, you’re not “at the shore”; you are “down the shore.”
12. You know how to properly negotiate a circle.
13. You knew that the last sentence had to do with driving.
14. You know that this is the only “New” state that doesn’t require “New” to identify it (try . . Mexico . . . York … Hampshire– doesn’t work, does it?).
15. You know that a “White Castle” is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich.
16. You consider putting mayo on a corned beef sandwich a sacrilege.
17. You don’t think “What exit?” is very funny.
18. You know that people from the 609 area code are “a little different.”
19. Yes they are!
20. You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton–that’s for out-of-staters.
21. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
22. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
23. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
24. Every year you have at least one kid in your class named Tony.
25. You know the location of every clip shown in the Sopranos opening credits.
26. You’ve gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the mall.
27. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, people from Central Jersey go to Belmar, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can be no other way.
28. You weren’t raised in New Jersey–you were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
29. You don’t consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state.
30. You remember the stores Korvette’s, Two Guys, Rickel’s, Channel, Bamberger’s and Orbach’s.
31. You also remember Palisades Amusement Park.
32. You’ve had a boardwalk cheese steak and vinegar fries.
33. Trying to find a legal place to ride an ORV is a nightmare.
34. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
35. You’ve NEVER, NEVER NEVER, EVER pumped your own gas.

1. New Jersey is a peninsula.
2. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire Eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida.
3. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.
4. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.
5. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba.
6. New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US.
7. New Jersey has the highest cost of living.
8. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance.
9. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation.
10. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the “Diner Capital of the World.”
11. New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club (no, not Spam): Taylor Ham or Pork Roll.
12. Home to the less mysterious but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions.
13. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius.
14. New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.
15. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.
16. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns; some of the nation’s most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch, Cape May.
17. New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.
18. New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.
19. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.
20. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought it was New England).
21. Here’s to New Jersey - the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken.
22. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah, in 1940.
23. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80 percent of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first.
24. New Jersey is home to one of the nation’s busiest airports: Newark Liberty International.
25. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington.
26. The light bulb, phonograph (record player to the CD generation), and motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ, laboratory.
27. The first phonograph records were made in Camden,NJ.
28. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs.
29. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ.
30. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ.
31. New Jersey was home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City.
32. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on its playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City.
33. Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world, not to mention salt water taffy.
34. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.
35. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains.
36. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!)
37. New Jersey had the first medical center, in Jersey City.
38. The Pulaski Skyway, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway.
39. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson (Holland Tunnel).
40. The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra.
41. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889 (Rutgers College played Princeton).
42. The first drive-in movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they’re all gone now!).
43. New Jersey is home to both of NEW YORK’S pro football teams!
44. The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ.
45. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong.
46. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifah, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnelly, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsythe, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gordon McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey, Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy’s), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Kelly Ripa, and, of course, Francis Albert Sinatra and “Uncle Floyd” Vivino.
47. Bob Meade adds: The Great Falls in Paterson, on the Passaic River, is the second highest waterfall on the East Coast of the US.

I happened to notice today like I do every day some douchebag driving an Audi S8 with both front and rear foglights on in clear weather. I have nothing against Audis (hell I used to own an A4 myself), but at least read your owners manual and learn what rear foglights are, and learn how to control them.

Most European sedans have foglights. There is a separate switch for front and rear foglights. Yes, I said REAR foglight(s). These are the lights that are as bright as brake lights that are always on, at least whenever the switch for them is turned on. About a decade ago it was only one single light on the drivers side, but now most European cars in the USA have them on both sides. I’m assuming that this is so they appear symmetric for the asshole who drives with them on in clear weather.

These rear foglights really aren’t necessary when the weather is clear. Front foglights aren’t needed either, but the extremely bright rear foglights that look like someone is riding their brakes can be very distracting to the other asshole who is going 90MPH and can’t see when he’s weaving through traffic to pass.

When two lanes merge into one, it’s universally understood that both lanes take a turn merging; one car from the right lane goes, then one from the left, then one from the right, and so forth.

NOT IN NEW JERSEY! Usually one of two things happens:

1. It’s your turn to merge, and the car in the lane next to you accelerates to prevent you from merging.
2. You’re driving along and just at the merge point, out of nowhere you get passed by two cars trying to get ahead of you (even if you’re already going 15MPH over the speed limit, somebody wants to go faster)

More than once, I’ve thought about how much fun it would be to throw a handful of pennies at drivers who do this.

Rarely used in New Jersey, the turn signal is the rear tail light that blinks to alert other drivers that someone is about to change lanes. Some Jersey drivers make an attempt to obey the law and actually use their turn signals, though it defeats the purpose when you turn it on at the exact moment you’re changing lanes.

It’s a common sight to see someone let their turn signal blink only two or three times, and more often than not it’s a driver of a BMW, Audi, or Mercedes doing the ‘three blink special’ as they cut you off. Then again, most cars on the Garden State Parkway either a BMW, Audi, or Mercedes. For whatever reason, I’ve also observed many late model Nissan Altimas and Honda Accords participating in the same behavior. In those cases, it’s usually a specific demographic driving them, however I won’t get into that just yet.

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